my blood is full of terror
and maybe something else
maybe something worse

late night shower
hoping the steam will help
clear my stuffy nose
and sooth my throat

scrubbing with soap
all the familiar areas
behind the shoulders
around the neck
under the soft flesh of my breast

something under my finger
something unfamiliar

it's been there a short while
because it seemed like a pimple
but it does not seem to be
washed away by soap
or burst by pressure

it's a lump

my breath is short
my stomach churns with fear
my paranoia makes it seem
twice the size
and puts phantom pains
in my heart

prayers rolling about in my mind
lips don't know how to give them form
they leave me as tears instead of words

please be nothing
please be nothing
please be nothing

it would be a sad
but fitting end
for a capricorn
because by birth
our greatest enemy
is cancer

part of me wishes
tomorrow won't come
and part of me worries
tomorrow won't come

turning to the future
is now like
walking into a cage
and hoping
there is no tiger inside

please be nothing
please be nothing
please be nothing